Screw you, Editing Room, I'm writing my abridged script 1st

But 1st - the boring review that I need to get out of my system

Every year we need at least one mind-blowing film to remind us of the magic that is cinema. While this year had its share of well-crafted films, none of them rly had that "epic" flavour to them, that element that screams "WATCH ME AGAIN". Then again, ever since LOTR, most films that held the promise of "epic" could only use it to describe the extent of their trainwreck. Last yr most epic film was like Wall-E (Batman was super awesome bt simply not elicit that "wow") and this year Pixar's UP almost held that title. I had thought that maybe now that I was older, I could not be so easily amazed till I saw AVATAR.

I entered the IMAX theatre with high expectations that awaited dissapointment but the moment the movie ended, I had the strongest urge to watch it again right away. And it was not becuz there were aliens fucking. The whole movie experience justified the decade that was devoted to planning and filming this epic. Watching this film would be probably be like watching "A new hope" in the 70s. It engages all your senses as Cameron uses the same 3-act story-telling technique employed in Titanic. The plot and dislogue were pretty cliche but then again, the greatest films in history were comprised of cliches (star wars, casablanca etc). While the whole film was basically "dances with wolves" with smurfs in space, it was the best piece of space opera since star wars.

Like star wars, the plotholes were big enough for deathstars or in this case, giant dinobirds to fly through ( I cannot emphasize how much the cheesisness of plot does not hurt but enhances the enjoyment of the film). It is almost funny how the king of the world seems to take his vision little too seriously and I probably should make fun of this film a little.


Prologue: Yr 2154. All other races other than caucasions are either not interested in making tonnes of money off alien worlds or killed themselves in a mass-sucide pact. Humans have developed inter-galatic travel and despite being ravaged by war, the only weapon adavancement seems to be the obviously pratical mecha suit that for inexplicable reasons holds an separate gun and resembles the one used in the film "aliens".

Cameron: Still less ridiculous than laser swords.

Lucas: They are called lightsabers

Jake: Anyways, I'm a disabled ex-marine that is also a walking motivational poster. The avatar program is a fucking huge investment and the investors have made the rational decision to restore my legs after the program so that I have zero time to adjust to being ambulatory.

Giovanni Ribisi: You will be in an navi body to negotiate a deal with the the natives so they will leave and we can mine the crap out of their village. We can't understand why they wil not accept our gifts of roads and English education. Its like a century of imperialism has taught me nothing.

-Enter Corporal Lyle, a man so ostensibly masculine that he must have a small penis.-

Corporal: Jake, you will be spy for by gaining the trust of the natives so we wipe the floor with their blue asses.

Jake in avatar body: hell yeah, I can run again. I shall now display my strong sprit by disregarding all safety procedures and start running madly.

Dr. Grace: What a hotshot loose cannon. Lets bring him along for our missions from now on. Nothing bad can happen.

-Something bad happens-

Jake: Fuck

Navi Princess Neytiri sees Jake and decides to kill him but then changes her mind and saves him from a pack of wolves.

Neytiri: Wow, all those jellyfish seeds are attracted to you. You must be chosen by Eywa

Jake: Eywhat?! (No, this pun was not used but it totally should have been)

Plot exposition though scientist: Eywa is a force that ensures balance on Pandora. Its like..

Lucas: THE FORCE?!

James: NO.! Its a goddess formed by "special bio-chemical reactions"

Lucas: kind of like MIDCHLORIANS?!

James: 3 words ---JAR JAR BINKS

Lucas: At least I expressed my freudian obession with humanoid aliens in sequels!

-Neytiri is instructed to inculcate Jake Navi with culture and teaches Jake how to bond with animals in an overtly sexual manner. Logically, they fall in love and enagage in disturbing sex for 5 seconds after Jake passes the whole initiation process. This 5 seconds would now be feature in wet dreams of furries worldwide and be fodder for numerous blue films spinoffs ( GEDDIT? BLUE FILMS? NO? I"M TYPING IN CAPS?)-

James: I am not a furry

Audience: Right...

The next morning , bulldozers come to clear the village. Jake fights bulldozer and wins.

Jake: You guys must evacuate or be xterminated. It was my mission to tell you guys to leave

Neytiri: I trusted you. Booohoo

The Navi do not listen and attack the the metal gunships with bows and arrows. They get blown up. Jake survives.

James: Look at all these violence and exploitation. I am an awesome social commentator.

Jack: I must gain back the Navi's trust. They seem to adore extreme feats of stupidity.

Jack attacks a huge-ass dragon in the sky and bonds with it. This impresses the Navi and Jake rallies the Navi to fight back.

Jake: They have sent us a message, that they can take our land. But they will never take our freedom. SO we'll send them a message, that THIS, this IS SPARTA!!!

Corporal Lyle: We will fight terror with terror.

James: Now I'm commenting on the war on terroism

Audience: Just get to the explosions already!

-A CGI budget enough to feed all the children in an African nation is spent on the epic battle in a movie that preaches peace and harmony.-


Michelle rodigrez: To show that only human males are jackasses, I have decided to paint my GUNSHIP in tribal colours and join the Navi

Lyle: Fucking bitch. This is why women should not be allowed in the army

Jake: Thats really nice, but would it not be more effective if you just blend in with the human army and sneak attack the mothership?!

Michelle rodigrez: Meh...

-She gets blown up-

Human pilots: Why are we not using missiles? How the fuck are bows and arrows that failed just minutes ago now working against us? Why are we missing that dragon that is larger than a floating mountain? Why are the mountains even floating?!

Mountain: Physics is my bitch

- The Navi win a bit. Then they lose. Then they win again. Also, every creature on Pandora come screw the villians over like in a Disney movie -

The Human army: Fuck this, next time we attack a planet, we build a fucking DEATHSTAR.

Jake: FREEDOM!

- END-

But really, I thought this was the best film of the decade.

Also, JAMES HOWARD NEWTON!!!!!