Pacific Rim Abridged

Disclaimer: I really like the movie Pacific Rim and I believe that measure of great movie is in its ability to suspend your disbelief despite the gaping plot-holes that are sure to arise in a movie about giant robots fighting monsters. Guillermo del Toro did this successfully. Nevertheless, one cannot help but make fun of the film. 

Quick, snap a photo

Prologue: Monsters appear and Giant robots are built. 2 pilots are needed to pilot 1 robot because of SCIENCE

Fade in:

Military Facility

Charlie Hunnam and Diego klatteahsds  DISCOUNT MATT DAMON step into the Punchbot Mach 3  

Charlie Hunnam

We're brothers and thus kickass at this mind handshake needed to pilot the giant robots

Discount Matt Damon

And I also know about all the times you masturbated

Idris Elba

Let's not delve into how screwed up it is for two brothers to share each other's deepest darkest secrets and just do the mission. Remember not to save that fishing boat.

They save the fishing boat

Idris Elba

Gee, I sure hope that insubordination does not become a recurring  theme.

Robot engages sea monster and punches it in a pretty epic manner. All seems well till the sea monster submerges itself into the sea, which is apparently all it takes to outmanoeuvre a multi-billion dollar weapon

Discount Matt Damon

Seriously, even that fucking fishing boat had a sonar. Seems like a pretty huge oversig... Arghhh, the pain.

Monster

Lulz, no wards.

Discount Matt Damon (to Hunnam)

This would be you if I were the real Matt damon.

Charlie Hunnam pilots the Jaeger solo to shore safely, apparently because the monster is sticking strictly to its one-human-a-day diet

Old people on screens

We're shutting down the Avengers..., um, I mean the Jaegers  initiative.  We think the Coastal Wall program is more promising.

Idris Elba

 Is that some codename for a new weapon. Surely you can't mean a literal ...

Old people on screens

Yep. A great suggestion by Senator Herbert Love

Idris Elba

Those fucking things don't even work against Mexican immigrants. And what do you expect the monsters to do after they accumulate outside the Wall. Start their own monster society?

Old people on screens

It worked on game of Thrones. (beat) No time to talk, gotta go approve these warrants to arrest Spiderman and Batman.

- 5 year passes, the wall works and we host the first ever human-monster summit. NOT. 

Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy country which lost everything, and the one pilot who had no choice but to keep it all together. It's Hunnam's Arrested Development

Ext :Hong Kong Jaeger Base

Idris and Rinko Kikuchi takes Hunnam on tour of facility, introducing the Chinese, Russian and American robot team.

Charlie Hunnam

What a great demonstration of global superpowers uniting to stand against a threat greater than all of us.

Guillermo del Toro

Yeh, about that....

Max Martini (hugs Hunnam)

My old friend. Sorry about not calling or contacting you for five years.

Robert

I'm his son and will be jerk ass to everyone for inexplicable reasons to set up my redemption later.

Max Martini

Ye, my son doesn't respect me.

Charlie Hunnam

Must be all the times he knows you masturbated

Charlie Day and Burn Gorman

Don't forget us, the comedic exposition SCIENCE duo. Think of us as Jeff Goldblum from independence day but even less cool.

Burn Gorman (to Idris Elba)

Anyway, SCIENCE tells me that we should be able deploy a nuclear bomb into the dimensional rift now due to SCIENCE reasons.  My maths skills also tell me that the monster attacks are increasing in frequency and soon there will be two monsters attacking at once.

Idris Elba

You took 3 blackboards' worth of equation to derive a simple exponential function?

Burn Gorman

Maybe... But since my Maths skill can predict when the monsters will spawn, perhaps we could deploy our robots to preempt each attack or evacuate civilians earlier?

Idris Elba

Ain't nobody got time for that. (turns to Charlie Day) And don't mind link with that monster brain in the lab.

Charlie Day mind links with the Monster's brain

Idris Elba

Well, fuck... Does anyone here actually follow my commands.

Charlie Day

But I made an amazing discovery that the monsters are a clones of an alien master race who likes to send their soldiers power-rangers style

Idris Elba

Then I need you to find another monster brain and do it again to get more info. Go to this black market monster parts dealer who is also funding our entire project

Charlie Day

You're sending me, one of your only two scientist, into clearly  dangerous territory with no protection whatsoever? Did you get your job through nepotism?

Idris Elba

Did you?

Charlie day

Touche.

Meanwhile, Hunnam searches for a co-pilot for his restored Punchbot Mach 3 by sparring with a bunch of dudes as Kikuchi and Elba watches

Hunnam (defeats a few dudes)

Only the one who defeats the ONE gets to ride with the ONE.

Kikuchi

Pfft... You could have taken them down with without those superfluous moves

Hunnam

Why don't you come try me then.

Elba

No

Hunnam

Scared?

Elba

Well, since you taunted me (sends Kikuchi over).

Kikuchi proceeds to make the superfluous moves she only just criticised and an even fight filled with sexual tension ensues. Elba still refuses to make Kikuchi the co-pilot but the whole audience already know from induction that the exact opposite is going to happen

Ext: Testing area of punch machine Mach 3

Clifton Collins

Are you sure the best place to test a nuclear-powered weapon with a pilot you yourself has accessed as unstable is in an enclosed area full of people and other multi-billion dollar weapons?

Elba

I'm sure nothing bad can happen.

Something bad happens which almost kills everyone.

Glados (sarcastically)

Would you like to try again?

 We also see Kikuchi's back story, which involves her being rescued by black Jesus, who is actually Idris Elba, but that isn't really important as 2 monsters attack Tokyo Hong Kong.

Elba

Send out Russianbot, Chinesebot and douchebot. And evacuate the coastal areas right away. Seriously, why are there even people living in an area that gets attacked by giant monsters every two weeks.

People running in panic

The real estate prices here are like really good man.

Chinesebot and Russianbot engage first monster but gets sneak attacked by 2nd monster, which giant monsters the size of multiple buildings are apparently good at.

Chinesebot

Stop farming, Douchebot, and do your job

Idris

Douchebot, We need you for the bomb run later, so don't ... you know what, I'm not even going to bother.

Robert (Pilots robot into the fray)

Let go punch some monsters

Max Martini

Or you know, we could assist them using our variety of guns, plasma beams and missiles from here.

Robert

Is that how ranged weapons work?

Robert and max proceed to use Douchebot's array of plasma cannons, missiles and swords to punch the monster in the face and calls it their ultimate technique, showing a failure to understand both the words, "ultimate" and "technique".

- This works somehow -

Monster 1

I think it is time.

Monster 2

Well, ok, this does seem like the most climatic moment to do it (deploys emp)

The emp shorts out douchebot and all other circuitry in the city but not nuclear-powered punchbot because of SCIENCE! Monster 2 circles douchebot menacingly while Monster 1 goes to find Charlie Day in the city with I presume to be spider sense.

Monster 2 (circles douchebot)

Which of these two humans should I eat. Gotta watch my weight here.

Punchbot

Sup, ugly (proceeds to get punched into city)

Hunnam

Weren't all these lights short-circuited by the emp. If they working now, that'll mean that Douchebot...

Guillermo del Toro

SCIENCE OF DRAMATIC LIGHTING!

Hunnam

Are you ok, Kikuchi. Stay with me, Kikuchi. do this, Kikuchi. And that, Kikuchi.

Kikuchi

Bitch, I can handle myself (punches monster 2 to death)

Monster 1

NOOOOOOOO.... For family and honour. (grabs Punch bot)

Monster 1

Surprise motherfucker, I can fly

Kikuchi

And I have a sword.

Monster 1

Why would that even ...  arghh

Hunnam and kikuchi 

(as punchbot falls from the sky)

Maybe we didn't think this through.

Clifton Collins

Use your plasma cannon to counteract the force of gravity. Trust me, I saw this in an episode of Dragonball.

This works and they live

Idris Elba

It is time to carry out the plan

Robert

But who is going to be my co-pilot. My dad is injured. (sees Elba in a pilot suit). You may have made a lot of dubious decisions, but sending the chief commander of the mission into the mission itself has got to be insane.

Idris Elba

It's not like I'm effective as the Chief Commander either

Robert

Point Taken

The three robots proceeds and get ambushed yet again by three monsters. Douchebot gets damaged pretty badly

Robert

We can't  possibly complete the mission now. Hunnam, You will have to pass into the rift and detonate punchbot's nuclear core.

Idris Elba

And as the only black guy in this film, I know what I have to do.  (sacrifices self by detonating nuclear bomb which only has a  5 mile blast radius)

Hunnam

That looked in no way strong enough to devastate another world.

Meanwhile, Charlie Day and Burn Gorman corrupts the mind of a newly born monster from the dead pregnant monster ( kaiju Love : The forbidden story between two monster clones) and finds out that the rift has a barcode scanner that only let monsters in. This hypothesis has apparently never occurred to any of the scientists. they rush back to the base on foot.

Charlie Day

To go into the rift, the rift must detect the presence of a monster trying to pass through

Clifton Collins

So are you saying that Punchbot must grab a monster as it goes into the rift to self-destruct?

Charlie Day

I was actually suggesting we could Boromir-bomb it.

Clifton Collins

(blank stare)

Charlie Day

You know, attach a monster, like the baby, to a nuclear missile and just launch it into the rift. But I guess since they're there already, we could do your plan.

Hunnam

Before I proceed with this suicide mission, I'd seriously like to know why we don't just spawn kill the monsters with missile barrages since they only come in from one point. Or better yet, just fill this area with sea mines.

Clifton Collins

Because fuck you that's why

Punchbot grabs a monster and self-destructs after passing through. Hunnam and Kikuchi are launched back into Earth safely because the Rift's ID scanner only works one way.

Aliens

Nooo.... We're only victims of our  military-industrial complex

Ext: Pacific Occean 

Hunnam and Kikuchi are in their completely undamaged escape pods

Hunnam (to Kikuchi)

Should we kiss now?

Kikuchi

Nah, I know about all the times you masturbated

  

-End-

Let Dicaprio put one in you :)

Ourselves concealed behind ourselves

We cherish and fear our inner chambers

Freely imprisoning our own wretched ghosts

Who gaze blankly

As we fall

rolling down an MC.Escher stairwell

Haunted by

Schrodinger's top

Frozen in perpetual motion

Careless to its whirl of de-&-inception

Leav-......



Note to self - write an abridged script to make fun of movie
How can you have memes as a theme and not have lolcats and rickrolls popping up randomly in the dreamscapes.

For the one with the green silver smile

Midas' silver smile

Half a eternity of pain
For a eternity of bliss
A devil’s deal it was
I made

Burning hemp wagon
Shackled to my neck
I chased the smoky dragons
Drifting, drifting
To the cloud kingdom

A puff of green smoke
Disappearing faster than she appeared
Leaving only the Cheshire smile
Leaving me hungry
Forever

What was I thinking?
I wasn’t -
Only hoping
Against hope
That half an eternity will come to pass

For eternity was in her smile
All I ever wanted
Was that eternity of bliss
For half a eternity of pain



Blocks are over, but the weight was never lifted. Well, at least I threw away the little rocks over it. Also, I realised our uniforms are flammable.

Max: A box of matches!
Benjy and zeyu: Light up our uniforms. THEY CANT BURN!
-They do burn-
Benjy and Zeyu: Who knew fire goes through cloth
Max: Everything...burns
- Batman comes in and punches Max out -

This would be better in xkcd format

Look at all the pretty dashes

They are shapeless -
ly beautiful
Slip -
Ing through my fingers

The blood stain looks - out of place -
So I let it stay -
on like redhot lipstick on -
crumpled faces of -
your mother -

Fucker
Burn those photographs -
Deep -
Into my retinas



Alright, that released some of my stupid teenage angst. Now I wish for a fully black 3-piece suit. I mean, imagine your most awesome moment. Now imagine yourself in that moment with a perfect suit (If you were alrdy in a suit, imagine yourself in a batsuit).

Some things that will sound much cooler in a suit:

1. Go to any random alley and look for a shady meeting. Hide in the shadows and emerge right before they begin to disperse and say,
"Not before I get my cut!"

2. Go to a church at around midnight and position yourself where the light from the crack of the door would hit 1/2 of your face. Wait for someone to come in and say
"I've been expecting you"


3. Go to a common meeting place ground on a day such as Valentines or New Year. Approach a folorn looking girl, preferably looking at her watch and say solemnly,
"He's not coming"

4.Go to Mac's and ask for a free meal and wait for the cashier to say, "Do you seriously expect ...." and say,
"No, Mr.(NAME TAG), I expect you to die"

5.Go to all those suitless peeps and shout "SUIT UP!" (or if you are in a Batsuit, "I'm Batman")

Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for death, penile malfunction, Aids or possible superpowers from following the above instructions. YOUR SUIT WAS SIMPLY NOT AWESOME ENOUGH!

Screw you, Editing Room, I'm writing my abridged script 1st

But 1st - the boring review that I need to get out of my system

Every year we need at least one mind-blowing film to remind us of the magic that is cinema. While this year had its share of well-crafted films, none of them rly had that "epic" flavour to them, that element that screams "WATCH ME AGAIN". Then again, ever since LOTR, most films that held the promise of "epic" could only use it to describe the extent of their trainwreck. Last yr most epic film was like Wall-E (Batman was super awesome bt simply not elicit that "wow") and this year Pixar's UP almost held that title. I had thought that maybe now that I was older, I could not be so easily amazed till I saw AVATAR.

I entered the IMAX theatre with high expectations that awaited dissapointment but the moment the movie ended, I had the strongest urge to watch it again right away. And it was not becuz there were aliens fucking. The whole movie experience justified the decade that was devoted to planning and filming this epic. Watching this film would be probably be like watching "A new hope" in the 70s. It engages all your senses as Cameron uses the same 3-act story-telling technique employed in Titanic. The plot and dislogue were pretty cliche but then again, the greatest films in history were comprised of cliches (star wars, casablanca etc). While the whole film was basically "dances with wolves" with smurfs in space, it was the best piece of space opera since star wars.

Like star wars, the plotholes were big enough for deathstars or in this case, giant dinobirds to fly through ( I cannot emphasize how much the cheesisness of plot does not hurt but enhances the enjoyment of the film). It is almost funny how the king of the world seems to take his vision little too seriously and I probably should make fun of this film a little.


Prologue: Yr 2154. All other races other than caucasions are either not interested in making tonnes of money off alien worlds or killed themselves in a mass-sucide pact. Humans have developed inter-galatic travel and despite being ravaged by war, the only weapon adavancement seems to be the obviously pratical mecha suit that for inexplicable reasons holds an separate gun and resembles the one used in the film "aliens".

Cameron: Still less ridiculous than laser swords.

Lucas: They are called lightsabers

Jake: Anyways, I'm a disabled ex-marine that is also a walking motivational poster. The avatar program is a fucking huge investment and the investors have made the rational decision to restore my legs after the program so that I have zero time to adjust to being ambulatory.

Giovanni Ribisi: You will be in an navi body to negotiate a deal with the the natives so they will leave and we can mine the crap out of their village. We can't understand why they wil not accept our gifts of roads and English education. Its like a century of imperialism has taught me nothing.

-Enter Corporal Lyle, a man so ostensibly masculine that he must have a small penis.-

Corporal: Jake, you will be spy for by gaining the trust of the natives so we wipe the floor with their blue asses.

Jake in avatar body: hell yeah, I can run again. I shall now display my strong sprit by disregarding all safety procedures and start running madly.

Dr. Grace: What a hotshot loose cannon. Lets bring him along for our missions from now on. Nothing bad can happen.

-Something bad happens-

Jake: Fuck

Navi Princess Neytiri sees Jake and decides to kill him but then changes her mind and saves him from a pack of wolves.

Neytiri: Wow, all those jellyfish seeds are attracted to you. You must be chosen by Eywa

Jake: Eywhat?! (No, this pun was not used but it totally should have been)

Plot exposition though scientist: Eywa is a force that ensures balance on Pandora. Its like..

Lucas: THE FORCE?!

James: NO.! Its a goddess formed by "special bio-chemical reactions"

Lucas: kind of like MIDCHLORIANS?!

James: 3 words ---JAR JAR BINKS

Lucas: At least I expressed my freudian obession with humanoid aliens in sequels!

-Neytiri is instructed to inculcate Jake Navi with culture and teaches Jake how to bond with animals in an overtly sexual manner. Logically, they fall in love and enagage in disturbing sex for 5 seconds after Jake passes the whole initiation process. This 5 seconds would now be feature in wet dreams of furries worldwide and be fodder for numerous blue films spinoffs ( GEDDIT? BLUE FILMS? NO? I"M TYPING IN CAPS?)-

James: I am not a furry

Audience: Right...

The next morning , bulldozers come to clear the village. Jake fights bulldozer and wins.

Jake: You guys must evacuate or be xterminated. It was my mission to tell you guys to leave

Neytiri: I trusted you. Booohoo

The Navi do not listen and attack the the metal gunships with bows and arrows. They get blown up. Jake survives.

James: Look at all these violence and exploitation. I am an awesome social commentator.

Jack: I must gain back the Navi's trust. They seem to adore extreme feats of stupidity.

Jack attacks a huge-ass dragon in the sky and bonds with it. This impresses the Navi and Jake rallies the Navi to fight back.

Jake: They have sent us a message, that they can take our land. But they will never take our freedom. SO we'll send them a message, that THIS, this IS SPARTA!!!

Corporal Lyle: We will fight terror with terror.

James: Now I'm commenting on the war on terroism

Audience: Just get to the explosions already!

-A CGI budget enough to feed all the children in an African nation is spent on the epic battle in a movie that preaches peace and harmony.-


Michelle rodigrez: To show that only human males are jackasses, I have decided to paint my GUNSHIP in tribal colours and join the Navi

Lyle: Fucking bitch. This is why women should not be allowed in the army

Jake: Thats really nice, but would it not be more effective if you just blend in with the human army and sneak attack the mothership?!

Michelle rodigrez: Meh...

-She gets blown up-

Human pilots: Why are we not using missiles? How the fuck are bows and arrows that failed just minutes ago now working against us? Why are we missing that dragon that is larger than a floating mountain? Why are the mountains even floating?!

Mountain: Physics is my bitch

- The Navi win a bit. Then they lose. Then they win again. Also, every creature on Pandora come screw the villians over like in a Disney movie -

The Human army: Fuck this, next time we attack a planet, we build a fucking DEATHSTAR.

Jake: FREEDOM!

- END-

But really, I thought this was the best film of the decade.

Also, JAMES HOWARD NEWTON!!!!!